[PERSONAL] Stress, Fear, and CRASH

Myself (drawn) worn out, but wanting to work
I’m worn out in all aspects, but the creator part of me just wants to WORK, despite how I feel.

During the final weeks of August, I already decided that I was finally going to work on setting up my social media campaigns. Even if they weren’t going to start running (at least for the TrainerKelly’s Network side of things) immediately, I still wanted the graphics DONE and then I wanted to start scheduling things.

I sat down in front of my computer and started setting up the documents for my graphics, when all of a sudden, my mind started having a meltdown.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!”

I was frozen in place, anchored to my seat, unable to move. The fear spread throughout my upper body. It spread and spread and…hit a wall.

Somewhere, within me, I was standing strong enough against the sudden fears I was having, against the sudden doubts that kept rising up.

The part of me that was standing strong was just enough to inch forward – slowly forward, but forward still!

I managed to get one set of social media posts completely created – the ones specifically for my Ko-Fi page. As I was working on those, I had little drips of clarity of what to do to loosen the grasp of the fear that was weighing me down.

“Write down everything the graphics say.”

After finishing up the graphics advertising my Ko-Fi page, that’s exactly what I moved on to: writing down everything that was going to show up on the graphics.

It was increasingly easier writing everything as I went down the list. I started seeing how I could reuse what I wrote and adjust it according to the graphical needs.

I could still feel fear though. I opened another document to prepare the text for the actual posts that go along with the social media graphics. Then a smug smirk appeared on my face: “I don’t need to do this right now.”

And then I worked on the graphics for the Patreon posts across my social media pages.

Up until September started, however, I hadn’t touched anything else…why?

I don’t really know how to describe it – I think the closest way is that I felt like I was depressed without actually being depressed. Or, if I was actually, in fact, depressed, I was detached from it.

Now, I’m not super surprised by this. I have very specific times during the year where I notice my mood is typically down:

  • the whole month of April
  • the whole month of July
  • the second half of August
  • the whole month of October
  • from December 23rd to…some point (I think in January, but I haven’t observed when)

Minus December 23rd to the new year, all those months in the past have been filled with lots of depression, as well as a lot of anger and frustration because I condemn myself for suddenly “not working” and thinking something is severely wrong with me because of it.

I did have a pretty entertaining thought earlier in the year, at the end of April, after having this whole cycle again: maybe there isn’t actually anything wrong with me. Maybe these are just my optimal rest times. Instead of fighting against them, why not just embrace them?

Well, that’s what I…kind of started doing. I tested it a bit at the end of April and I tested a bit in July.

I think I’ve got something!

Of course, I haven’t been able to fully experiment because I’ve been taking online courses since the end of February almost every month, if not almost every week. 😂 Maybe in 2022, I can experiment more.

I found earlier in August, my usual anxiety suddenly disappeared. As a result, I no longer wanted to stuff my face with food.

In fact, I seemed to had completely lost my appetite!

I don’t know if my loss of appetite was because the anxiety disappeared or some sort of semi-unconscious decision not to eat because I didn’t want to cook…or both.

I did still eat, but not really what I wanted…so that probably didn’t help anything either.

I really just wanted to eat healthier food, which for me was going back to what I originally learned in the Starch Solution by Dr. John McDougall. Problem is, the food I wanted to be eating takes time to cook and…I didn’t want to cook it.

Don’t get me wrong – I actually love to cook…but I just didn’t want to at that moment.

This was probably compounded by the fact my sleeping schedule has shifted. Again.

I remember how it started too: I was doing my own work for hours and the next thing I knew, it was like….3 AM.

So, I am normally a night owl anyway – waking up during the daytime is just not my thing except for a few times during the year.

However, I’ve been waking up during “normal” day hours for months now due to my own choice. A mixture of the courses I’ve been taking (the live sessions are too much fun not to join, but they’re usually happening before I would normally be up) and deciding for this chapter in my life, waking up earlier in the day benefits everyone.

But now, because I was working, I shifted back to overnights. I literally wouldn’t care if I didn’t have other things going on in my life/other considerations. But I’m frustrated by it.

Between my “down time” cycle, the shifted sleep schedule, the loss of appetite, eating “junkier” food than I would like, and then the fear that suddenly jumped up, no wonder I was feeling like I was on the brink of depression…without actually being depressed.

Every part of me felt exhausted.

I don’t think the world events going on has much to do with it either, although I’m sure some part of me was feeling that as well.

And how do I feel now?

I have to say, one of the most fascinating things I learned while scheduling my social media posts is that the scariest thing about doing work for TrainerKelly’s Network is actually taking actions themselves that will have a huge impact.

It’s not even about feedback (of all kinds) from others – it’s literally the way it upsets the part of me that’s scared. I feel unsafe making movements to have TrainerKelly’s Network seen.

Some part of me is clinging on desperately to the story of “I can’t” despite I know I can and I am. It’s lodged deep inside of me and starts coming up in the form of complaints for an “easier” path, despite I’m aware that it would end up the way everything else turned out for me.

I’m processing a lot of old feelings coming up thanks to the actions I’m taking and I’m starting to see things in a really different light. I’ve been sharing my passions with people who don’t have the same interests as me and sharing my thoughts with little to no censoring and I really don’t like the feelings that are coming up, but I recognize it feels bad because I’ve shut myself down and locked myself up for so long (in addition to being shut down by others). Of course it feels uncomfortable!

I also just have this sense that some sort of timer has started. I’m curious on what the “timer” is for. As far as I’m concerned, I’m making moves and I’ve only just started. I’m not even doing everything I’m looking to do yet – instead, I’m dripping.

I’m curious – are you looking forward to what I’m doing?

Do you even know what I am doing?

Let me know anywhere you can chat with me (including the comments on here!)

THANK YOU FOR READING, (FUTURE) TRAINEE!

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