With my last image, I was going to tackle experimenting with a bust shot next. However, I found inspiration for a different picture instead.
I was pretty busy for the first two weeks of August 2018. I was out almost every single day during the first week because I just didn’t want to be home for most of the week. By the end of the week, I was ready to stay home…but I had to go on a trip the week after.
After I came back, I had no desire to go out.
Like, really no desire to go out. I didn’t even want to get groceries and I had a near breakdown when my mother took me and the thing that uplifted my mood was getting Taco Bell right after.
I just wanted to be isolated from everyone and everything.
I wanted to be in complete darkness.
Specifically, I wanted to go inside of my closet and shut the door and block out all light and just stay in there until I felt better. Except my closet smells like dirty socks for no reason and it’s small, so I don’t really feel like it.
I used to have these feelings quite often back in the day. Usually when I went out too much or socialized too much, I would have to isolate myself for days. When I would describe my desire to be in darkness, a lot of people thought I meant death…no. I meant being in a room with no light on and no light coming in. Total relaxation. Not death.
I haven’t felt them (the feelings) in a while…or rather, it was hard to feel them. There’s too much other noise in my life, so it easily drowns out the feeling. I can feel it sometimes, but I just keep going and going and going.
This time though, because I felt it so strongly, I decided…nah. I’m listening to it this time.
I spent about a week sleeping.
An Older Illustration
I can’t remember if I was browsing my deviantART or if I was thinking about a concept for a new picture, I thought back to an older picture of mine from 2010. It was entitled “I Want to Hide in the Darkness.”
The description on the piece is kind of vague, which I’m glad. I kind of remember what was going on at the time and I can guess what it was about.
I thought that the concept of wanting to hide in the darkness was well illustrated in the picture — I’m pulling a blanket of darkness over my head. You can see the rest of my body, but not my whole head. The bit that you can see is looking down towards the ground.
After seeing the picture, I felt inspired to draw somewhat of a sequel.
A Newer Illustration
Since I felt like hiding in darkness recently, I decided to draw myself starting to do just that. However, it needed to be different from the original 2010 image. Particularly, my hiding wasn’t coming from depression. It was coming from exhaustion and feeling like I needed to rest before I made a move.
For the illustration, I decided to have myself pulling darkness onto me and wrapping it around myself like a blanket. I’m about to be completely covered in it. All I need to do is turn around.
I drew my eye looking out on purpose. I’m carefully watching…myself. I’m paying attention to me and how and why something like my exhaustion happens and if it’s something I need to deal with or honour.
I like the image for the most part. I think though the lack of lime green anywhere made it look kind of boring. At least, kind of boring to me.
A Word on Darkness
I think the word darkness usually strikes fear in people. After all, our culture (at least here) associates it with absolute evil.
However…when you close your eyes to sleep or take a moment to relax, you see darkness.
When I’m talking about darkness for both of these pictures, that’s what I’m talking about. The darkness of relaxing, not darkness of evil or death or anything of that sort.
Year Completed: 2018
Programs Used: Clip Studio Paint, Affinity Photo