I drew this for “Thankful for Myself” ramble, but it’s actually a redraw of a piece from 2014 from the entry, “Burn Out”. In the “Thankful for Myself” ramble, I used this illustration under “What Changed Me”. I’ve been wanting to do a redraw of the exhausted piece from 2014 for a while now and I took advantage to do just that!
The pieces aren’t a 100% remake. For example, I changed the background from purple to blue. Why? I think it’s to better represent the room I currently am in, which has blue walls as opposed to the ones from 2014, which were purple. Hilariously, my walls were a darker purple in 2014 and my walls in my current room are a lighter blue. In these pieces, the shades/tints are reversed, haha.
I also decided to draw doodles on the pieces of papers in the remake. The colors are also a lot more rich, but they may be because I didn’t put any overlays for once. Oh…and my hair is BROWN. I made a decision not too long ago to color my Creator-side’s hair as brown because I felt it was a more accurate representation of myself.
ANYWAY…yeah. I thought this was a good piece to remake.
Looking at these pieces though…I can’t help but reflect on a question I am currently working through.
Am I actually burnt out or am I experiencing self-sabotage? Perhaps I’m burnt out from doing not much of anything. There is value in understand that rest IS productive, but it’s also important to understand the differences between what is actual rest, what is relaxation, and what is self-sabotage (or even trauma). I’m finding lately that they all kind of look similar, but there’s some key internal differences. I’m curious how many people also deal with the same thing and don’t know the differences, thinking they are burnt out, when they are simply sabotaging themselves…there’s a lot to my thoughts. Perhaps that’s a ramble to write?
I’m just being reminded of that, just looking at this piece.
I’ve dealt with a lot of “I can’t’s”, whether it was a self-determined assumption or something that was told to me that I took to heart regardless whether or not I consciously wanted to. I know the worst was my old therapist, but I’ve been forgiving her lately. It’s made me afraid to move and I find myself stopping, like everything just drains. I’m not burnt out though, unless it’s from other aspects of my life…like the temp job I took that has made it super obvious I would benefit from having full control over my time again.
Okay, I’m going off on a tangent here. I suppose I can write another ramble just about my thoughts and my own observations. If anything, my main hope is to inspire you to be reflect and observant of yourself. I don’t think enough people do that. I don’t think it’s hard either, but you need to know how to ask a curious “why” instead of a distressed one.
Anyway, what do you think of the redraw, trainee? Which one do you prefer? Or do you like them both? Or even parts of one and parts of the other? Let me know below in the comments, on social media, or on Discord!
Year Completed: 2021
Programs Used: Clip Studio Paint, Affinity Photo
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