[RAMBLES] Overthinking?

You know, I fall into doubt quite a lot. I think I’m close to ending the battle with a current bout of it, but I could be wrong. For the past month or so, I felt so in doubt about everything – what I want to do, what I want to be.

A part of me wants to abandoned my whole website project. Nobody is going to visit it or view it anyway, right? No one reads my blog either [unless I link it to them] (which I tend to dismiss as not having it linked on the main page of my website, but that is honestly wishful thinking). Will I even be able to use my website for the purpose I want to design it for?

The purpose of my website is to be the go-to place for my works. If you want to know about the stories I write and the progress on them (or where to read them), come here. If you want to know if my commissions are open or not or what options I have, come here first. If you want to see my newest artworks before they are posted anywhere else, check here. If you’re curious about how my day went, come on here and check my blog. My website, in general, is meant to be that sort of place. The one-stop home of TrainerKelly’s Works.

Right now, with the way the website is (i.e. incomplete), it most certainly can never become that. I like to stay optimistic and think that, yes, it will be that one-stop place I want it to be in the future. I can tell you though it won’t be. It won’t be that one-stop place. Everybody will look elsewhere – on deviantART, on Facebook. Who cares about TrainerKelly’s website, the website they put long hours too, and lots of planning to make sure everything was clear, concise, and presented to the best of their ability.

I feel like even if I push the website onto others, it will never-ever be that one-stop place. This makes me sad. Sad that I even have to push it on others in the first place (“please, check the commission information HERE, not on my deviantART journal!”) and sad that it won’t be that one-stop place.

Perhaps I’m just overthinking. Maybe I’m just over-worrying about something so trivial. However, without some sort of audience, even small (trust me, knowing that three people visit my website, including my blog regularly is better than thinking none look at it), everything seems like a waste. To an extent, it is not, especially if I am able to use it to reference my own works to make sure my continuity is correct, but for spending hours upon hours writing up blog entries, coding layouts, etc., it…seems not worth it.

It’s a fight between what I want (to have my website up and running properly with frequent content) and what I feel like (it’s not worth it). I really hope I’m wrong or I can just get over it.

I’ve been feeling frustrated and depressed over my artwork. It’s not about how bad some of looks or how generic the poses tend to be, but rather just how much of it I have. I started getting bored of just working on the website artwork, which has 30-something images left to complete (primarily for the commission examples), so I drew a bunch of images unrelated to them. I have armfuls of new artwork to still line and colour (a new back catalog of images, whoopie…not, ugh). I’m sick of artwork at this point.

My original plan was to get my first back catalog of images completed, post those slowly while working on my website images, and after they were completed posting (which ideally was going to be after my website was finished), I would post the website artwork, and leisurely work on some new artworks for fun like old times. Alas, that did not happen. Posting three artworks a week was FAR too much (and I knew it was) and my back catalog dwindled before I could even finish the website artwork.

Now I’m scrambling to finish my website artwork. I’m almost hating that my deviantART in particular lacks new images to post. I don’t want people to think I’m inactive! I’m still drawing! I’m just busy doing too many pieces. (Some of the non-website artwork looks really awesome too! Well, the sketches…)

I really like doing artwork in bulk, but I really should limit myself to five – I would have to complete five images before moving onto the next set of five. It would go by a lot faster. I would probably get a bit less burnt out too.

I also have this other project, kind of a side project, where I read a bunch of non-fiction books and take notes on each chapter. The notes will be both written and typed, though depending on the book, I may type it up first, then write it later or vice versa. It seems like a really silly project, since it’s not for school (I’m not in college, for your information). I mean, what would a kid like me want to do taking notes like I’m in school for.

Part of the reason why I’m reading the non-fiction books is simply to inspire me for story ideas. Non-fiction provides some of THE BEST ideas for stories. Reality can sometimes capture the imagination much more than fiction does. Some of it is to further my knowledge in subject areas I currently don’t have enough information in to form a proper story from, while others are simply to step outside story clichés.

Another reason is for curiosity sake. Most of my non-fiction books are history ones. History fascinates me, but I never really had time to sit down and take it in, looking more into subject areas I’m interested in and beyond. I can’t tell you how excited I am to read about Pirate history.

The other, stupid reason is just to give a false impression I am actually in school. I hope one day I can talk about this weird note taking project and have people be like “are you in school” and have me go “nope” back to them. (To be honest, it’s probably me making up for the fact I never got to be homeschooled the way I wanted to be, so I’m just doing it now.)

Sometimes when I think about this project though, with all the books I’m reading and that I want to read, I stop and think – do I really feel like taking the time to take notes? Isn’t that kind of stupid? It’s not like I’m in school. There’s no test to pass. Of course, then I think back to the main reason I want to take the notes: for proof and explanation.

When I say “proof”, I am talking about using things like history to support why things should be a certain way/why things shouldn’t be a certain way and what not. For instance, if I was talking about how much it frustrates me when parents won’t let a little boy wear pink because it’s a “girl’s colour”, I would start going into a discussion about how, historically speaking, pink was first a BOY’S colour before it was a girl’s, and, going even further back, it was considered a gender neutral colour. For a non-history example, it would be like me writing up a post on the Japanese words “kore/sore/are” and being able to back up their usage by using my own version of the textbook explanation.

The “explanation” reason is a lot sillier. Oh man, I didn’t really want to admit this little fantasy I have, but if I ever get back to writing books, as part of a behind-the-scenes series sort of thing, I would like to write blog posts (or perhaps free e-books) behind some of the details of the story. I’m aiming/hoping to get away from some clichés of other stories with mine and if I change, leave out, or add anything, I would like to write about it with the aim to educate people. For example, if I wrote a story about a fairy who was mischievous, I might write a blog post explaining the reasons behind this decision (such as fairies throughout mythology are actually known to be not-so-nice creatures). Obviously the explanations would be a lot longer, more in detail, and would provide some references as well – I’m only summarizing what I would write.

Of course, in order for me to do that, I would actually have to write some books first…

There’s some other reasons too behind the note taking, including to retain the information (even if I never use it – I hope I will though, during some random conversation – that’d be awesome) and for the off chance I actually go to college and end up in a class that ends up covering that subject, I’ll have notes already (might not use them, but would definitely be helpful for bite sized information). Plus, if I take notes, it’ll be a lot easier to find the information when I need it for the explanations or proofs!

It’s not really a hard project either, just slightly time consuming because my hand writing takes way too long. I just need to read, then write. Pretty easy. That’s why I think a majority of them, for now, will be typed. Maybe. I don’t know.

I suppose I just need to remember the reasons WHY I’m doing these things, rather than doubting that they’re worth doing.

I think a part of me is sick of focusing on one thing for so long. I really want to move onto my next project or focus on a different one. I still got Kelly’s Journey to attempt to write more of (the poor thing has been neglected for a while now). I have Japanese to get back to (THAT HAS BEEN MORE THAN NEGLECTED, OH GEEZ). I have sewing projects I want to do, books to plan out, and books to write. I have blog entries to create and post. I have a lot I want to do. I would say I have so little time, but that’s not actually true – I have all the time I need, it’s just a matter of managing it correctly.

I really need shorter projects.

That would be nice.

Or projects I could break down into shorter pieces so they take less time. Different from goal break downs though. It’s kind of hard to explain.

I guess for right now, I just need to look forward, keep positive, and allow myself to relax when I need to. I hope I can get my website done sooner than later and that it does turn out to be what I want it to be.

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