I want these back.

I hate that everything I was interested in now seems to be shot. I want it back. I want it all back now. It doesn’t even have to be as intense as it was before, but just there enough to actually make me want to immerse myself in them. To work on them. To draw them. To sew them. To write them.

I’m being optimistic and hoping that my feelings are due to the things I need to complete in order for myself to move on and not because I “grew out of them” or I’ve gotten mentally beat up so many times, they’ve got buried underground. It reminds me of the days I used to freak out that I grew out of Pokémon, when it really was because that the original series no longer appealed to me. Now I can enjoy the original series, laugh at it, and then be touched by the newer ones in ways the original cannot.

The first thing I actually miss being interested in is Kelly’s Journey. Oh god. I don’t even feel an interest in my own fanfiction. Or it’s universe. Or anything. And do you know what? It sucks. I love…or loved…everything about it. The characters, the reworked storylines, the added storylines. I have so many ideas for it too! But with my current lack of interest and motivation, I can’t even push myself to write episode 19. I wanted to be done with up to episode 20 last year! I’ve thought about the fic actively since 4th grade and I sure as heck do not want to stop thinking about it or to stop writing it!

Still linking in with Kelly’s Journey, I miss my fangasming over my own character, Kelly. I somewhat miss drawing her, but I honestly draw her so much. I want to try focusing on the other original characters in the series, give them some spotlight. Get them some fans. And after that’s all done, I’d like to do some more artwork of Kelly actually in character because she’s not that generic happy, sweet girl my artwork seems to show her as, but rather as a spoiled brat who probably thinks she’s better than everyone else at times. And often grumpy and complains a lot.

I miss Onlyinadreamshipping. I miss daydreaming about it. I miss drawing it. Actually, I miss wanting to draw it, not actually drawing it. I’ve loved the Ash Ketchum and Kelly pairing for so long. I like to name it my eternal OTP (one true pairing – basically my favourite pairing of all time). It always seems to be the one I go back to. But right now, I don’t feel anything for it. Well, not really anything. Maybe I’m just tired overall in my life and it’s a temporary disinterest. Maybe I’m just tired of the other people who are fans of the pairing totally missing the mark on a number of things. Perhaps it’s the underwhelming reactions from certain people when I have an idea vomit that make me think “they’re probably thinking this is stupid/bad/Ash would never do that”. Heck, maybe it’s that in my own mind, Ash is headcanonical an aromantic asexual and Kelly is a bi/pansexual with a heavy preference for the ladies. I’m also one of those people who rarely ship official pairings or at least, not ship them as hard as the ones that will never happen. (Including the ones with my original story characters!)

I like when pairings don’t happen for some reason.

Including in real life.

My favourite part of a relationship is a break up.

I’m pairing up my favourite character I’ve ever created up with my childhood crush?

It’ll never happen in the canon, but I could write it in KJ, but between Ash’s personality and whatnot, man, I always shoot myself down. KELLY PREFERRING GIRLS DOES NOT HELP ME EITHER. Every time my friends who pair their characters up with Ash talk about all the OCs fighting, I always am like “haha, well, Kelly probably would ignore Ash and go for one of the girls”. Because that’s totally what she would do.

Honestly, Kelly falling for Ash in KJ is a fluke. An accident. Perhaps a result of Daisy’s fangirlish ramblings simmering around in her subconscious.

I’m still not sure even if I want to write it.

But I don’t want Neo and Clever to not exist. You know, their children in the future.

It probably seems silly I’m even tearing myself up over something so stupid. I don’t even know if I’ll get to the point in KJ where Kelly starts to fall for Ash.

I feel bad too because honestly, Ash would be a terrible boyfriend. Terrible. Even if he aged, got older, and the “love” stuff started to make even a shred of sense to him, he would still be 10 in his soul and would never be the romantic gentlemen some people like to portray him as. Sure, he could always do something that could be considered “romantic”, but not actually intend it to be.

On the other hand, I know how the nature of their relationship should be, how I want it to be, and as of writing KJ, it is – friends. Really good friends. I really, really hope as I keep on writing, the two become even better friends so that the Onlyinadreamshipping candle will be flickering much brighter. I want them to be best friends, first and foremost. Dream supporters second. Romantic partners, possibly third. The kind of thing where they’d be sitting on the couch, their Pokémon surrounding them (Pikachu behind Ash’s head; Sparkle (Kelly’s Pikachu) in Kelly’s lap), watching a competition (perhaps the grand festival for one of their friends or an Elite Four match), Ash sitting back and Kelly leaning onto him in a sort of cuddley sort of way, only to sit up and slap Ash’s shoulder when an amazing move happens on the TV, pointing to it, shouting “OH MY GOD, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT MOVE?!” and Ash & her exchange fervent exclamations of geekery.

Yeah, there might be moments when they kiss, mostly brought about by times when Kelly can’t stop gazing at Ash, thinking how cute and childish he is, but passionate and brave. Just as the moment is about to pass, she’d openly ask him if she could kiss him – or sometimes, she’d just grab his face and do it, just before running off to do whatever she needed to do for the day, leaving herself with a goofy smile on her face and Ash off guard for a moment before running off himself, probably forgetting about the kiss. And sometimes Kelly would just give Ash a kiss for good luck for a bit more of a lasting impression.

Oh, and their wedding. Traditional Japanese style. Kelly’s hair done as Japanese as she can get it, making her slightly resemble Kaguya-hime. Tons of people get drunk, probably some Pokémon included (I can totally see Ash’s Pikachu getting drunk…). Kelly and a slightly sobered up Ash probably would have a surprisingly serious talk that it kind of feels like the wedding is an end (ironically, it would be the end of the actual Kelly’s Journey saga, making room for the in between stories and New Horizons, with a lot of the KJ character’s children). But it also feels like it’s a beginning. And a promise to keep on doing their best.

Their wedding night and honeymoon? Consists of sleeping and watching a Pokémon tournament they suddenly remembered was on TV the entire week, respectively. Forget all the romantic getaway and a week of sex crap – there’s a motherfreakin’ Pokémon tournament on!

Wow, I just totally went off on an Onlyinadreamshipping tangent. And talked about some stuff I haven’t said before. Wow, that felt good. Okay, I’m just going to say my feelings towards it are currently sitting on a very dusty shelf and I just brushed some of it off.

I kind of wonder if some of my resistance to writing KJ, other than the time it needs to write it, is that I’m waiting for someone to send me over the transcript they typed of some of the Pokémon episodes. I know they’ve done one already.

Also, the next three episodes I’m writing for KJ are 1.) kind of boring and 2.) …are actually the very first KJ episodes I wrote. Which is strange. And I do mean very first. As in 3rd grade. When I first created up Kelly when she was suppose to be a self insert (though, to be honest, I don’t think I ever felt her to be me, hence why she’s not now).

Gaaaah, I wish I felt more freed up so I could write the next three episodes.

And now that the Kelly’s Journey tangent is done, well, there’s other things that I feel like I have no interest in right now. Like, it’s still there in my life, but it just doesn’t…make me feel anything, I guess?

Pokémon would be one of them. Now, I have an unconditional love for Pokémon. It’s embroidered into my life, so even when I’m not even actively participating in the fandom, watching it, playing it, reading it, etc., it’s still there, a part of my heart. That being said, I have a lack of motivation to watch the anime (4 episodes behind right now! And I still need to watch movie 15). I have a lack of motivation to play the games. I don’t really feel like reading the manga. I’m just not really in the mood for it whatsoever.

Which sucks. I want to get Black done already, play White 2 in full concentration, actually play Pokémon Conquest, finish Scramble, play Mystery Dungeon (and not just play the new Mystery Dungeon, but finish the original one and it’s sequels). I’M SO BEHIND I CAN’T EVEN ENJOY THE NEWS OF THE GENERATION 6 GAMES COMING OUT.

I want to watch movie 15, but my mind isn’t in Japanese mode, so I’m less likely to pick up words. I want to watch the anime, but…I just don’t feel like it. And the manga, well, I read most of them anyway and the English ones will be read when I read all my manga.

At some point, I would really, really, really like to complete all these things. I hope I can do it soon.

Next: Assassin’s Creed. I LOVE the Assassin’s Creed series. I wasn’t really able to get into Assassin’s Creed 3 (which is actually the 5th game in the main series) like I was with the previous games. The only two characters I liked during the main storyline were the final two bad guys (one was extremely dashing and…this is so awkward to say…a dilf…he’s Connor’s father, Haytham, who you play as in the beginning of the freakin’ game for about 4 hours…, while the other one I just loved how he was written). I loved Connor during the side quests and now he’s a “precious baby”. However, after being so used to the vibrant characters in the Ezio trilogy and the extreme seriousness during the original game and really, anything involving Altaïr, the more mellow, sometimes angry characters of AC3 seemed more flat. I’m being optimistic that Connor will get another game and his personality, seen during the side missions, will come out in the main storyline.

THAT BEING SAID, I still don’t really feel heavily for it right now. The only two games I haven’t completed in the series, minus the iOS games, are the two DS games. And that’s because one of them pisses me off to no end. Not because it’s hard. It’s just…I don’t know. I suspect I just hate the controls.

I want my love for Assassin’s Creed to come back already! I don’t understand how it could have gone. I didn’t finish Revelations too long before I played AC3 and I loved that game, even if I took a few months break in between playing it! It was like I had never stopped.

I want my love for manga to come rushing back to me. I want that missing flame to be relighted. I want my liking for anime to come back too and that all the voices of the dub lovers who are my friends shut up in my head that make me question if I should really be watching the show in Japanese (answer: yes, I should be watching it in Japanese).

I want to get back into sewing. I want to sew bags, dresses, vests, coats, cosplay. I want to sew so many different things. With that, I want my historical fashion love for 18th century fashion to come back to me as well! I’ve been particularly more interested in the bustle eras (late 19th century), which makes me feel sad…but the ruffles…and the big butts…! I just love it. I want all the love for all historical fashion to come back to me in full force and ignite me to not only design new clothing, but sew it, one piece at a time.

I wish I wasn’t so lazy though when it came to sewing. I really am. I hate the pattern portion of it (whether it’s making it or cutting out one) and I hate cutting out everything and pinning everything together. My favourite part of sewing is the actual sewing part. And trying on my creations and finding that they fit, even if they’re a bit off in places. It’s a really pleasant feeling. Of course, I can’t actually sew it or try it on until the pieces are cut out and pinned together! Ugh.

I MISS DRAWING. And I mean actual drawing, not doodling like I have been doing. I miss taking out my blue and red pencils, drawing the poses and the features, then going over them in a regular black pencil. I miss drawing new things. I miss drawing my Kelly’s Journey characters. I would like to say I miss drawing my original story characters, but I really don’t. Not right now, anyway. I AM SO SICK OF COLOURING OLDER ARTWORKS. I’m kind of on the verge of just deleting the rest of them and just working on the backgrounds of the ones that are completed. I have this strange feeling that the backgrounds are going to go by quicker than the shading. Or at least, it’ll feel like it.

Actually, speaking of my original story characters – I miss thinking them up. I miss creating them. I miss brainstorming their stories. Heck, I miss writing their stories. I WANT TO GO BACK TO ALL THAT. It felt so good to do. Now my brain is off in one direction and it’s not letting me think about all of it. Like, come on brain. At least let me think about my short stories. And brainstorm some of the other stories I have in my head, just a bit, enough so I can come back to them later and let the ball roll to complete them.

I actually really want to start rewriting Love Me Softly. You know, that novel I wrote back in 2010/2011? (If not…well, go look through my archives.) I have an idea on how to approach it now and how to make it MUCH better than the original version. But I can’t. I got no motivation. I don’t really have enough things brainstormed. Actually, I probably don’t even have the time to sit down and write down the chapter details.

Actually, that’s a lie.

I’ve been writing this for about two hours now.

Within those two hours, I could have totally been working on summarizing Love Me Softly’s chapters and fixing up the character relationships and whatnot.

So in this case, it’s the lack of motivation.

I want to get back into dancing parapara. I miss dancing parapara. Sure, the side step movements got boring after a while, but there was something refreshing listening to a song and being able to dance through it with actual choreography. It was so much fun to do and I hate how rusty I am. I really need my mirror back upstairs so I can make sure I’m dancing nicely (and check out how pretty/hot I am). I miss loving Eurobeat too.  

Possibly the last thing to pop up in my mind is that I miss loving the Japanese language. I miss studying it, yet I don’t have the motivation to clear my schedule and try to sit down and power through the rest of Genki II. I miss reading it. I miss hearing it. I miss…well, everything. I hate that I get so down when I see these other people who are much, much more passionate about the language than I am – it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be learning the language. I seem so casual in comparison to these people. Of course, I shouldn’t forget the joy the language brings me when I start rolling. It feels so great to learn and it’s always so exciting when I understand what’s being said, in text or out loud. I want to get that passion back, just a bit, just to motivate me.

I really hope my lack of motivation and love for things is due to my brain’s priority order (clean room, get artwork completely done). I hope it’s preventing me from getting overwhelmed by things I want to do. Preventing me from jumping too far ahead and running myself into the ground.

Please oh please I hope that’s it.

And please oh please, once my to-do table is cleared, please let me revive all these things and integrate them into my life in such a way that I do them every day without fail. Or almost everyday without fail.

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