It’s 2013 and off to a decent start.

There seems to be a pattern of some sort for my years. I’ll have a year that’s REALLY good, but starts sliding at the end of it. Then I’ll have a year that overall is terrible for me, usually emotionally. Then the year after that starts to become a lot better. Then the year after becomes REALLY good again. I’m pretty sure 2013 is that “becoming a lot better” year. Of course, we’re only a bit over a month into the year, so it’s not easy to judge.

I had already decided at the end of 2012 that my primary goal for this year was just going to be to finish up everything I didn’t get to last year – Japanese, Artwork, Website, Sewing, Writing – and essentially clear off my plate. I’m not pushing myself like I did last year, but letting myself decide what I want to do day by day. I don’t want my stress level to spike and I want to make sure I know that if I fail to finish any goal this year, it’s okay. I will not be upset over it.

My goals haven’t really even started this year, or at least not as intensely as they could. The year started off with an idea I got at the last minute at the end of last year – remove all the furniture I don’t care for in my room and put back up my freakin’ bookshelves so I could restore my room to it’s sort-of-former-glory. I used to have shelving up on all the walls in my room, but then I moved in with my dad for a little while and everything got taken down (and my room got repainted and made into a guest room), so I couldn’t have all my manga, DVDs, etc. in my room when I returned back to my mom’s, which had bothered me off and on. I finally figured out how I could do it, mainly thanks to ranting to my friend and my brain suddenly being like “IDEA…IDEA…IDEA…!!!!!!” and spitting out the furniture moving/rearranging thing. Everything that used to be in my room was brought up from the basement and I put everything on my bookshelves.

Since I was putting things away onto shelves anyway, I decided that it would be the PERFECT time to reorganize EVERYTHING in my room. Sometimes you don’t realize how much space you have until you clean everything up. I used to do disguise cleaning a lot, but since I wanted everything back in my room and wanted to make sure I had enough room, I begun to clean out everything – primarily drawers. I’m amazed at how much room I have. I think my sewing drawers are currently my favourite, especially the one with the zippers and ribbons and other embellishments.

Due to this, the goal I was hoping to do, which was that I would start working on artwork and Japanese again on January 17th, didn’t happen. I did recently start doing artwork again, primarily because about a week ago, I was getting super depressed from cleaning my room for nearly a month and my mom was like “take a break for a week or two” and I begun to. I was getting bored. It’s also why this blog is finally up and running – I was getting bored and wanted to do things. Man, it feels good to be able to blog again!

January was pretty up and down for depression. I usually could hold myself up, but the constant cleaning and feeling that I had to finish cleaning before I could really do anything was really ruining my mood. I’m very glad that I took the break. Also, most of my plans to hang out with friends last month kept on being cancelled because one of us were too busy. I finally had a chance to hang out with one of my old friends at her Taco Party (I brought my own veggie grounds since I’m vegetarian – and just a note, I have absolutely nothing against meat eaters – NOTHING. PLEASE keep eating meat if you like it!), which was fun. Then just this weekend, I hung out with Courtney after like…two months. I’ve actually found that quite a few of my friends want to hang out with me, which makes me happy. Some of them I haven’t seen in a while and just knowing that they still want to hang out with me makes me want to cry tears of joy. (Of course, there’s still one person I would like to hang out with who I have had no contact with in 6 months.)

This month, February, as started off with a continuation of the break, the creation of this blog, and me venting to my friend about some stuff I’ve been meaning to fill them in on for a while now. It actually made a chunk of my inner anger dissipate, leaving me with a happiness high. There’s actually one more person I need to tell this stuff to, but I believe it won’t be for a while, so I’m sure there’s still some anger floating around because of that. For right now though, I’m still on a happiness high. I don’t think it’s going to leave for a while. The happiness is wavering, BUT it’s doing so in such a way that simply sleeping seems to recharge the mood. I’m not as smiley as I was a few days ago, but I’m still not getting as mad, sad, or depressed over things that I normally would. It’s like the happiness is eating it all up and turning it into more happiness!

And then I realized that I hate happiness highs. I’m having issues concentrating on things and I already don’t feel like doing anything and it’s making it worse! On the other hand, it’s a lot easier to accept things…and things. And yeah. I don’t know. Happiness highs are pretty blah and I’m kind of afraid I’m suddenly going to crash. Actually, I was so happy, I felt like killing myself. How does that work.

Thanks to not being able to really do much anyway, I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at historical fashion and have suddenly developed a soft spot for bustle gowns. I don’t know why, but I think the “big butts” are lovely and the gowns with all their ruffles and other embellishments are wonderful. I really, really want to sew one now, but…that would just take so much time. I mean, I wouldn’t just have to sew the top and the skirt of the bustle gown. I would need to sew all the undergarments as well. Now, it’s not like I wouldn’t be willing to do all this work – I would – it’s more like my sewing skills are so stupidly rusty right now, attempting anything that big and detailed is a recipe for making me cry! IT’S SO LOVELY THOUGH. AND I HAVE IDEAS. BUT…BUT…SKILLS. LACKING. RIGHT NOW. AND. MOTIVATION.

Heck, I have no motivation to do anything. Except apparently blog. I kind of like that I want to blog. I really feel like I have no motivation. I can just feel my body – especially my shoulders – just being like “nope, no doing anything, not at all”. It’s really annoying.

Even though I’m still happy, I can feel anger just swirling underneath it. It comes from impatience and sadness and probably a mixture of other things and those. I think that’s part of where my lack of motivation is coming from. And that I’ve done all the easy stuff.

Really, I have. For my room, everything I have left are things like my CDs (which I have to take apart and stash in a CD booklet), clean out my closet wire drawers, reorganize my fabric box, alphabetize my shelves (books, movies), and clean out my file cabinet. For artwork, I have only one cell shaded picture left to do (which is easy), but everything else for shading is in my newer style that takes a while, especially with all the layers that it takes and after those are all finished, I still have…what, 42 pictures left to apply backgrounds to? Every time I try to do a background that doesn’t involve me just using a bunch of random colours mashed together or a bunch of photoshop filters, I want to throw my tablet pen at the screen. Most recently, I was working on the background for a picture with my character and a friend’s character and I kept deleting it because NOTHING I was doing was looking good to me. Maybe other people would have though it was fine, but for me, it wasn’t good. It wasn’t even decent. If it was decent, I would have been like “okay, I’ll go with this”, but no. It was TERRIBLE. Seriously, I hate doing backgrounds. I wish I was better at them. Practice makes improvements…practice makes improvements…

Wow, I’m tired. My hair is a bit greasy. There’s a knot in the back of my head. I’m ready to go to sleep so I can wake up later and be able to shower and all that, preparing myself for another day/night of nothing interesting. I’ll probably end up playing random missions on Assassin’s Creed 3 again and keep wondering when more Homestead missions are gonna happen because Connor is such a sweetheart in those (he’s really unlikable in the main storyline, in my opinion, but I’m done with the main storyline…so I don’t have to deal with that).

Maybe I’ll livestream again later today.

I don’t know.


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