The Steel Beam is Creaking

I always imagine that I have a steel beam in my mind. Anytime I’m upset, angry, frustrated, or any sort of negative feelings, I can hear that steel beam start to creak under the intense amount of heat hitting it. Usually it results in tears for a short amount of time, but quickly goes away, unless that beam finally falls apart under the stress. Then I’ll be crying and depressed until a new beam is put in place. Then you repeat the process again. It takes months for the beam to finally snap, but you’ll know when it does.

Right now, though, the steel beam is creaking. I can feel the pressure. All because something is being returned to me. 

Okay, so, you see, for over a year, I was super optimistic and supportive of my friends. Whenever they were being negative, I would be positive and encourage them to be the best they could be. Now that seems to be coming back to me. When I’m being “negative” (which really is me being level-headed – seeing the good and bad sides), I have friends who are being positive to me.

Um, where were you when I needed this? Now it’s just outright annoying! Seriously, was I this annoying when I was being all positive and supportive? I hope not. But dang, it’s annoying. Super, super annoying. Where’s the balancer who can iron out the positivity with a bit of negativity? Where’s that person who can tell me “this part looks good, but this part sucks” (with a little more constructive criticism, of course)?

At one point I wanted the positivity to come back to me, but not now. Now that I think my artwork is actually pretty good. Now I want that person who gives me both sides. At this point, I’ll even take a troll who says my artwork looks like an uncreative 2 year old drew it.

The Comparison Image
The image I used to compare my sketches to my lineart, along with the colouring

All this started because of my crappy lineart. I’ve never particularly liked my lineart – I started liking it more when I began using Adobe Illustrator, but I still had issues with some of the lines. Eventually I switched over to Corel Painter to do my lineart and my strong dislike for my lineart finally became hatred. I started noticing why I didn’t like my linearts – my lineart ALWAYS loses the qualities of my pencil work sketches. I kept my mouth shut until about two days ago when I was talking with someone about it. I showed them an example of an artwork that stood out in my mind. They believed it was the colouring and I was sure it was my lineart. And I still am entirely sure it was my lineart. After going back and forth and seeing them testing out different eye styles, I still felt that it was the lineart. I placed the original colour file over the sketch and was amazed at its breath taking beauty.

No one else really seemed to agree with me about the lineart, saying it still “looked good”. Really? REALLY? My CLEARLY HORRIBLE LINEART IS GOOD? You can tell me it sucks, really, you can. I have zero skills in doing lineart. Don’t even tell me otherwise.

One of my friends did tell me that I should draw my pencil sketches lighter, which is advice I’m gonna take.

I think I’m just horribly frustrated though because all this takes time and I just want to do it right now, but I have no time. Seriously. I have a stupid 36 page comic I’m getting WELL underpaid to finish, I have a contest entry, and several unfinished requests, gifts, and collaborations. Not to mention a bunch of unfinished artworks I have on my end. Plus a novel I wrote that I need to finish reading so I can edit. And things to write and sew and yadayada. I’m on the verge of giving up on everything just to clear my slate. I’m never going to be successful in anything.

I know my problem with my lineart most likely stems from the way I draw, which I need to adjust, which is going to take me about a month to get into the habit to (which isn’t actually that long of a time, but I don’t have a freakin’ month to dedicate to drawing). Plus that I don’t really have a steady handle on my tablet, but I don’t really have a steady handle on drawing general. I need to focus more time on drawing hands and bodies, as well as backgrounds and other things. But there is no time. I know I need to make time, but for that time I could make for that I could also make for something else.

And now too I’m slightly upset because someone mentioned that someone else said that I “live in my own world” and I “need a real job”.

Do you know what? Yes, I do live in my own world. I live in that world because it’s the one that’s right for me. It’s just – no, it’s more – real than this “real world” you live in. Seriously, the “real world” is the most fakest, unreal thing I have ever been in. I did live in it for a while and frankly, it was far from right for me. Unfortunately, because human society functions that way, I can’t let my real world surface until I have enough money to do so. I am highly disgusted by the world people refer to the “real world”. It’s so artificial, fake, and greedy. You have to be outside of it to see it.

And the second this is, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A REAL JOB. If you are making money, it is still a job, regardless. No, even if you’re not making money, it’s still a job.

Geez, no wonder I’m considering suicide. I’m being denied where I belong because scumbags who believe majority rules is in the right.

I don’t hate my life. I hate the things that decide to conflict it.

And geez, writing this entry isn’t making me feel any better.

I could go onto a huge bashing rampage too, but I’m not going to do that. There’s far too many things that have issues.

And that suicide thing – I’m considering it since I can’t get rid of whatever is around me, I could always get rid of me.

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